Letter to my unborn child

I fell in love with you the moment I knew you existed, I was excited to know about you. I eagerly count down the weeks before I can see you. I may not admit it in future but I’m excited too. I used to think to myself, “me affectionate?? Never!” Now I can’t wait until next September. For that day you arrive.

I can never be more alive than I am now. You’ll bring a tear straight to my eye. You may not know why but your mother and I will. Half of mine and half of hers. Hard to believe I helped create a human being. Your mother’s little one. My beautiful princess. Our “Ada”, the first daughter, the Igbo title you shall have as you come into our world.

We would already have a bond formed: the beautiful relationship that is father and daughter. You’ll be the greatest gift I could ever have, but for now you sleep in your mother. Keep warm and snug in that tummy. I will wait for you on the other side. Wait for you to come in my life and abide. I can’t wait to watch you grow.

I’ll stay up late reading to you and watch as you drift slowly into dreamland; I’ll take you to parties and events; we’ll share ice cream while we do your homework; I’ll hold you tight when lightning and dreams scare you; I’ll come for your rehearsals and presentations in school; I’ll watch you as you lose your first tooth, hold your hand when you’re screaming bloody murder at the dentist. Watch as you grow up slowly, step by step, being awed at each step. You’ll make me feel happy when I’m sad. Your young smiles and innocence will always remind me, remind me of the joy I have in you, remind me that there is something to live and strive for, something to always thank the Lord for.

Its still early but you have my heart, because for now and forever more I will love, cherish and adore. From today till my end, I swear to keep the oath I’ve sworn: for you and your mother to be cared for. Protection is the oath I swore. Not just to protect but also love you. I will love you with every fibre of my being.

As you grow things will change. Our relationship will become weaker and farther every day. I just want you to know something: always know I’ll have your back. Always without any day less. At times I may not be around, I may deny you of some thrills and pleasures you’ll seek, I may embarrass you in front of your friends. You’ll not want to listen to me at these times. You’ll probably hate me for the choices I’ll force on you. You’ll be a pretty girl and its okay to explore. I understand your reasons to momentarily dislike me. The child’s mind is an eager one, always searching for one adventure or the next. Unfortunately we live in a crazy world and that I can’t ignore. Maybe when you’re older you’ll understand my reasons.

Before you come I ask the dear Lord to bless you. Bless you with things that will envelope you and highlight the innocence and beauty that is you.
It may seem too early dear child to be asking for such from the almighty. Fortunately, the love coursing through the very core of my being has belief that it is not.

I pray he blesses you with happiness for you to have and share with others, wisdom for you to have knowledge of whom and what you meet, fun for you to have the escapades that come with your eager mind, obstacles I pray you overcome with the strength in you and education I know you’ll get from the efforts of your mother and I.

So when you feel that hand on Mum,
And hear the sound of my low deep hum,
I know you’ll know and for that I’m glad,
That here with Mum is your very proud Dad

You are forever mine to love and just that I shall do. I love you dear princess.

Your Father.

Dear F.P

Dear F.P,

I would love to know exactly what you want from me. Day and day again, we’ve spent long days in the library together. Our library visits usually end up with you in my room. Mama told me never to bring strangers into my room. It is the western world you know, a lot happens this side of the blue ball. Funny thing is, you’re not really a stranger hence your invitation. I try to seduce you daily with classical legends, songs that grip one’s soul inevitably with no avail. I do this only because an expert I know says “tis the trick to wooing her.” I spend countless hours of my leisure time doing this. Time I could have used to indulge in my hobbies. However, I believe you deserve the best so I stick with you every coming day.

As the sun kisses the earth at it’s appointed time, I sleep having nightmares involving you. Horrifying scenarios of not giving you enough love or attention and the dire consequences. With every rising sun, I enter extra levels of commitment. All this so you can be the perfection you’re supposed to be, to me.

Everyone says I should breathe you, treat you like you’re the only star in my world. “You need to” they say, “it’s for your own good” they say. What haven’t I done for you? Yet, you only stare back at me with such neutrality everyday. I expected with all this effort I’m putting in, at least part of it would be reciprocated. That doesn’t seem to be the case however. You don’t wish to love me yet you elongate your stay. That can only be described as an act of deviousness.

I suppose you think the ball is in your court, rolling it around to mock me. Just remember who you decided to associate yourself with. I am not one to let my efforts go to waste. Regardless of your motive, I assure you I shall gain satisfaction while submitting you on my portal. You should, will be perfect my final project.

Yours sincerely,
your author.

Letter to my crush (Part 2)

Hey again. I’m probably guessing you know who this is. In the scenario whereby you don’t, I’m the anonymous guy who wrote you last week.

As I was saying last week, you are my crush. I’ve spent countless hours daydreaming about you. Not about us; holding hands, running through a daisy field on a golden morning. It was just you and your laugh, nothing too spectacular to everyone else.
And, at the same time, it was spectacular. In a way, you’ve given me more hours of undiluted dreaming than anyone else. Dreams without jealousy, fear of being cheated on and other social issues. Pure dreams and nothing else. but it was too good to last.

Which is funny, because it never actually began, it just happened. Also because technically nothing between us is changing. But there’s something about this not-relationship that drives me away when that someone else enters your life. Maybe I am jealous after all, but I don’t have the right to call you mine. you’re not mine, you’re my crush.

I’m not saying I’ll hate you, I’m not saying I won’t like, help or care about you, because I’ve already done it without excuses and stopping right now would be hypocritical.
I’m not saying I’ll hide from you or your friends, I’m not leaving, I’m not ignoring. If ever comes a day, God forbid, that you have a problem and you need my help, I’ll be there doing my best. If you ever need advice or someone to listen to whatever you have to say, you can call me and we’ll talk just like we’ve always done.No fake feelings, no weak advice of you breaking up with him so you can be with me. 100% true advice at the best of my honest yet inexperienced wisdom.

But this no-relationship must end. This is a one way street and unfortunately, you don’t have any say in it. It’s not because of lack of trust or because I don’t like you anymore. Simply put, a crush like you is like a reverse illness: it makes me feel better, yet, it’s a foreign agent which, sooner or later, will get out or kill me. If, by some weird twist of fate (if such a thing exists) we end up loving each other with a roaring passion, we will marry, but nothing short of it will do. In any case, that’s highly unlikely and easy to solve if it ever happens, so I won’t worry about it.

But you, my darling, are on a very different life now than when we first met and I just can’t stand it. I’ve been in enough crush no-relationships to know better: I will start suffering.
Have you ever heard the phrase “pain is inevitable, suffering is optional”? Here’s what happens. at this point the pain comes in and I feel bad for not being the only one that makes you laugh like that. It’s okay. I’m socially awkward, a bit childish and you’re my crush. But if I don’t stop now, the suffering will start and that’s the destructive phase. Those inevitable moments when I question my role as the “the good guy friend”. I should stop now, when only the good questions and memories are around. This no-relationship ends here and now, but only for my own good, not because of a lack of interest. Goodbye my dear. I’m not leaving, you were just never mine.

Your crush,
John